first post ever

I am struggling with several mental disorders it is affecting my religion and I do not know how to fight the mental illnesses yes I said more than one I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic stress (PTSD) Panic Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), Bipolar II Disorder (hypo-mania and depression),Social anxiety disorder with Denationalization  disorder before you judge me you should think about the struggles and tests you have faced in your own life………
Depression for me is like battling a beast while lost in deep dark fog top that off with all the other issues …………………..
Someday s are better then other days I will briefly reflect on my childhood  lets just leave my childhood as a very difficult time filled with depression oppression despair and abuse of all and any kinds  
 Will deal with my childhood later when I feel ready …………………………………
I have been struggling with doing my prayers on time some days I can get most of them done other days no matter how hard I try I can’t just seem to be doing them I do fight with myself……….
I will be doing my best inshaallah and keeping a journal here about my progress.
Ramadan is inshaallah less than 2 weeks away I have decided to document my struggles day by day for the next few months I will not be using anyone’s name in this post I will be using letters in place of names …………………
Here’s a brief rundown of my life so far I am married to a wonderful man who is kind and religious . I have 2 children from a former marriage that didn’t end well my ex was and is abusive he has custody of the children ages 12 and 10 . 
I have 2 babies at home one is 2 years old  and the other is 6 months old.


Today 7/25 was not a good day I woke up in a mood and it didn’t get any better the way I was awaken was most disturbing I was awakened at 430am by a huge thunderclap that shook the house and woke my 2 year old M she awake screaming and it took me hours to calm her down I did do my morning prayers then tried to fall back asleep but I just couldn’t so I tried to read but my mind wouldn’t stay still long enough to concentrate so I watched some TV well actually they were DVDs of a show called Big Love the first season, then I drank a whole pot of coffee and took my morning medications I dislike swallowing pills they always seems to get stuck in my throat .
Today I also shaved and highlighted my hair with henna cleaned the house and took care of the babies M is being so mean to I ………..the weather does not help it has been humid muggy with sudden rain and thunder storms there hasn’t been much of a summer . here is my first post I did get all my prayers in today . All I can do is pray to Allah to give me strength to face each day and help me perfect my prayers and worship of Islam the one true religion.  


I converted to Islam in 2004 in September I was at a cross roads in my life I felt that my life was drifting and without purpose my best friend from my teen years   had died in a tragic accident that was caused by my sister . 
Brief bit about me growing up I was the oldest of 5 I have 3 younger  sisters and a younger brother we grew up moving around following the crops and planting cycles I loved cooking and baking and still do I was home-schooled and got my ged in 97 went to a culinary arts program and graduated second in my class with perfect attendance   . I started researching religions when I was 18 I tried several different churches of different faiths as well as temples then I started reading about Islam and it sounded right and I understood it so I researched it and then converted to Islam, I didn’t have any trouble with wearing a head scarf (hijab) and covering myself I always liked being covered it just feels right and I love modest clothes as a child I always wore dresses and long skirts with modest tops   

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