That is a question I have been asking myself , I feel like I have lost myself that I am always putting the needs of others before my own needs yes as a mother the children come first .
I am not complaining about being a mother I am simply morning the loss of who I use to be yes I use to work full time and I enjoyed working .
My work carrer inculed some great jobs I started my work career when I was about 9 years old yes I know that is quite young but when you are part of a migrant family everyone who can work will work because they usally pay by the pound or basket depending on what you are picking, That career lasted until I was 15 years old , it ended abruptly one night or should I say early morning when my father choose to tragicly end his life yes he killed himself .
My next career was as a baby sitter I would watch children and I was good at it soon I was in charge of lots of children one time I was in charge of like 30 children , yeah I know that sounds crazy but their parents were on site and it was my job to keep tabs on all children under the age of 16 years old it was a holiday party of some type or was it a huge potluck party? I forget which as it was years ago , all I remember was it was a fun time and I got to boss around my sisters and brother and their friends because the adults put me in charge .
At the age of 16 I figured out that people would pay me to bake deserts for their parties yes baking was a passion of mine and when I was younger I would bake every chance I could . Baking was my dream job and I use to tell anyone who would listen that I was going to go to baking school and become a baker and I did just that at age 17 I went to a culinary arts program and graduated second in my class with perfect attendance .
Culinary school was fun as well as changelling it was the first time I was alone with out my family and friends ( I guess you could say I was very shetlered in the way I grew up yes yes I did move around alot we didn’t own a tv or have eletricty and I had to haul water and wood daily for most of my life as a child chores kept us busy as well as made us strong )
My culinary school was filled with mostly men I think I was one of like 6 women in the class.
The first teacher I had was from I’m not sure if it was France or Itlay all I remember was his accent was so thick that they had to assign him a teachers aide to translate what he was saying to english , I think it took me like a week to figure out and understand what he was saying and as I usally do when around accents I picked up some of his expressions and slang yes I am really adaptable when it comes to slang and accents because I have lived in so many places as a child it was a easy way to make friends and avoid being picked on to quickly adabt to the way people spoke in that part of the country .
I remember culinary shcool was fun but it was also a very hard time as I wound up with a roommate from hell yes she was that bad no need to go on about it .
I suffered from lonelness and I use to cry myself to sleep I remember being fine while at school or work but as soon as I got back to my apartment I would cry and feel so sad I didn’t understand what was going on ……………..
I have always been prone to wild moods my mother said it was just being a teenager but now I know better it was because I suffer from bipolar disorder along with panic attacks , had I known of this disease when i was a teenager I would have treated it much sooner it took me years before I finally figured out what was wrong with my brain yes bipolar depression is a brain disease .
When I was in culinary school I made a foolish choice now I see that it was totally foolish I got pregnant and had a baby at 19 years old with a person who I only knew for 3 months then we got married 2 months before the baby was born I remember thinking the day before the wedding run run don’t marry him but I disreguarded my inner voice and followed through and married the guy yeah yeah I know big mistake that lead to a very bad 2 years of my life being with a abusive man is not easy and I tried everything in my power to make the marriage work , I regret the marriage . I am glad I had the children I love them with only a love a mother can have . What happened next is I reached the breaking point and my life started to unravel and get bad my mom and sisters came to live with us , my mom was in a very abusive relitionship and she called me crying one day so I told her come with the girls and live with me to get away from her abusive drunk husband ( my youngest sister has a different father than me and 2 of my sisters and brother , my father killed himself when I was 15 years old).The abuse I suffered was getting worse then oneday I just reached the point of no return that was the day my now ex attacked my young sister and me he choked us , I was holding my young baby girl at the time all I remember was thinking don’t drop the baby and oh god he’s doing it in front of my children and sisters that was the end of the marriage he moved out that day and I filed a restraining order .
Then the next stage of my life began I know I was lost and adrift I was struggling to support 2 children as well as my ma and 2 sisters I worked 2 jobs and that was very hard I remember the jobs being very far apart one was in north east and the other was in south west but in a different town yes I live in a city that has a really good metro transit system I would travel from one job to another I would get my sleep on the bus or train I actually really don’t remember much of those years only that I always was at work or going to work then one of the jobs I had got downsized and the other one went full time that made my life easair but the coworkers at that job were plain old horrible they harrassed me both physically , mentally and sexually and no one did anything I complained to the boss and he basically just said deal with it which I tried to do but it got a whole lot worse and I got raped in a walkin freezer I didn’t tell anyone I didn’t know how to I was frozen scared that he would hurt me and my family my life was in a huge upheavel as my ma and sisters moved away to another state , I was basically on my own a single young mother of 2 young children . My job got worse and it became so bad that I would wake up in the morning feeling ill I would look for any reason to get out of work I remember going in to work and hearing people talk about the guy who raped me he finally got himself fired , he harassed some teenagers and they fired him the night before , what I remember was someone walked up behind me and said so and so was fired for chasing and grabbing S , I remember saying I didn’t tell anyone it wasn’t me and they were like what are you talking about that’s how they found out about me the company didn’t really handle it very well I suffered alot I remeber going to the doctor telling the doctor I was having a heart attack ( it was a panic attack ) I suffered Ptsdd and still do .
During that period I made a huge mistake number 2 I remarried a man I though was nice sweet kind well that’s how he acted when I first meet him he help in the beginning once I married him he basically changed overnight he didn’t want me working but that really wasn’t a problem as the place I worked at had let me go .
This period of my life was the dark deprssion time I basical stayed home with my young children ( still in a huge battle with ex over custody at the time I had full custody he only got supervised visits then he go unsupervised and then weekends .
I decided to go to college it was a way to get out of the house and find a new career as I couldn’t work in a kitchen again I have tried but I freak out I can not go into the walk in freezers I go into full blown panic attack.
At college I took as many different classes I did Cna training but decided that wasn’t a career I wanted to pruse I took tons of health and fitness classes physicology classes nutrtion classes yoga , excise classes this was a period of rapid development and change for me .
Life at home was hell my husband was very abusive and controling so I avoided going home as much as possible I basically lived at the college I would wake super early go to school and stay until the last class then come home pick children up from babysitters . This was also a time when I was searching for which religion was the right one for me I had started the seach when I turned 18 but now it seem like I needed to find where I belonged I had tried buddhism , hindiusm tarot cards looked into new ageism so confusing and some of it is just plain old scarey so I thought what about a church so I tried going to several different types of churches. Got kicked out of the catholic church because my son freaked out over the statue looked into latter day staints they just plain confused me .
I remember thinking one night what if there is no religion for me I had just gotten a computer at home and that was the day a friend called me to tell me that my sister who is 2 years younger than me had been in a car accident was in the hospaital and she had just been arrested for causing the accident she was on drugs drunk ect and rolled the truck she was driving one person wasn’t wearing a seat belt he was thrown from the truck and he died on sence of the accident .
The person who died happened to be a really good childhood friend actual he was my first boyfriend , we never did kiss we just hung out held hands and hugged I was 16 at the time and that was a weird time in my life.
My first reaction was disbelief and shock then I was very sad and upset I remeber sitting at the computer reading about the accident ( my friend had sent me a copy of the newpaper article yes it made the front page )
I remember thinking ok God I am lost help me find my way show me which religion I am supose to follow then I found a muslim forom and started asking questions , a married couple helped me find my way the answered everything with links and sources so I could read and see for myself .
I decided to see if I could wear the hijab before I converted , I didn’t have any but I had a very large square cloth think it was a wrap around beach cover up well I folded it in half and wrapped it around my head and pinned it that was my first hijab I wore it for 2 weeks then decided ok I can do the clothing requirements I like and feel comfortable dressing modestly so I took my shahadah over the internet
- لا إله إلا الله محمد رسول الله (lā ʾilāha ʾillallāh, Muḥammad rasūlu-llāh) (in Arabic)
- There is no god but God, and Muhammad is the messenger of God. (in English)
That was a huge turning point in my life once I did that I decided to change the things that were causing me pain and trouble in my life .
I started seeing a counsolor and working on myself that’s when I reliazed that I didn’t want to be in a abusive realionship it wasn’t fair to me or my children so I got a job in serect and a po box then I set about getting out of a bad abusive marriage . After I got out of the marriage I decided I was bunt out on college so I took a break go a job at a call center and then me and my children had to go into hiding my ex the second on started stalking me and had his friends following me .
This time in my life was so hard and unstable I moved alot worked to many hours and meet a scammer he lied about everything about himself and stole alot from me and my children basiclly he drained my bank accounts but I didn’t figure this out until alot later .
I should have realized that he didn’t care about me the minute he started trying to change me he didn’t want me to wear hijab or dress modestly he wanted to party and go to clubs do all the stuff that I don’t like or want to do .
Once he was out of my life I had the help of a few good muslim sisters ( they are still in my life today I would like to thank them for thier help they know who they are)
I go a apartment and moved got set up then came the heart breaking day in 2006 I will never forget that is the day when the judge decided that my ex would get custody of my children ( yes my older 2 live with their father ) Since then I have had a long and hard fight just to be able to see the children , my ex can be quite mean and spiteful.
this is just a breif history there is more and I’ll update when I get a chance