Dear Allah , Help me Understand and Have Patience

Dear Allah,

Bismillah al-Rahman al-Rahim

I am writing this to get all the jumbled words and stuff floating around down on paper so to speak , inshaallah it helps clear and quite my mind.don't be sad

I am struggling and  I feel alone I try and I try to fight this depression it seems never ending like everything is all painted in shades of greys ,blacks and muted dull colors .

I can’t sleep well some nights I don’t even sleep I just lay awake and the tears slide down my face and I don’t even know why I am crying .

I have head aches daily and back pain along with hip pain and neck pain home remedies don’t seem to help and so far the doctors haven’t helped much either 

I know that I have no reason to be depressed it is like my brain is broken and stuck in the depressed mode and I am not sure how to snap out of it , nothing I have tried seems to work , I am either allergic to the medication or it has unwanted side effects or cause other problems so I don’t take the medication .

I pray 5 times a day and some days I even struggle just to pray , I know you already know this and you know everything even stuff I do not know about. I struggle to read the Quran please help me be able to read it more and to understand it , and not get lost and fall off the straight path.

Will I always feel this way?

Will I always feel like I am struggling to do my prayers? When will it feel easier and not like a chore ? I love Islam and prayers it is just so hard some days , my mind endless seems to wonder off or I get lost mid prayer or forget how many rakats I have done some days are just so frustrating when will it not feel this way? When will I feel like a good muslimah?

I feel like I am isolated and alone even when I am surrounded by family and friends why do I feel like this? Will I always feel like this ? I feel rootless like a tumbleweed blowing in the wind like I am in one place the get blown to another place where is my home?

When will I understand enough Arabic and be able to speak it clearly and not feel self conscious when talking to people?

When will the colors come back ?

Is my outlook to always feel and look depressed? Is there any hope for not being depressed?Can you show me the way out of the depression?

Will I always cry and not even know the reason why I am crying ? Is the crying a good thing? does it help me , I am trying to understand and be patience ,I am trying to be happy I am thankful for healthy children and healthy family who help out .

Will sleep always be a struggle?

Allah Most merciful one I promise that I will never give up I will fight to do prayers and learn more will keep trying to learn Arabic and keep trying to read and understand all of the Quran! I will never stop  fighting the depressed feelings I will not give up this is my promise to you , I am your humble muslimahmuslimah praying

 

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