Dear sister,May Allah make this easy upon you and your family! Allahummah Ameen!!! I will offer dua for you and I clearly understand the feeling of depression,darkness and sadness it’s not easy at all. The struggle gets real trying to hide it from your family and children,just remember that Allah will never place anything upon you that you can’t bare. And sadness is not from Allah so hold on tight to his rope . Allah tests Us this is all part of his plan just offer prayer and remain patience , reach out to friends for support and know you are loved and not alone everyone has struggles of some sort, try and have a good day sister, love your sister in Islam
I haven’t been blogging and posting as much as I have wanted to , I have been struggling with depression and boredom . I feel like I am sleep walking through my days at times each day seems to be the same as the last wake up do Fajr prayer then go back and try to sleep because it’s the butt crack of dawn and no one is awake yet but I never really get back to sleep , everyone here gets up around 930/10am is normal breakfast time breakfast is always the same bread with cream cheese and jelly served with either tea or coffee then its chore time chores are usually the same make bed pick up room change and dress children / sweep and mop /wash dishes /wash clothes depending on the day of the week . Then comes Dhuhr Prayer then it’s lunchtime around 230 to 3pm after Asr prayer then its nap time /quite time then around 7 to 730pm everyone gets up and sits around outside waiting for Maghrib prayer then Isha prayer and then dinner is served around 930 to as late as midnight then it is time to get everyone ready for bed showering and changing into night-clothes and trying to deal with the loud noises of screaming over tired over sugared children. Some days it feels like the movie groundhog day were it just repeats over and over .
Some good things have happened
I am now doing prayers regularly 5 times a day which is good as in the past I have struggled with doing prayers
Most of my diet is now fresh whole foods , still working on my cookie habit why do cookies taste so good?
Trying to find ways to combat the boredom and depression
Made it through another ramadan fast and going to the masjed for isha prayers , there was a problem with the speakers on the women’s side so it was hard to hear and follow along .
Pretty sure my gum infection is getting worse I now have pain running down my neck and up from were said tooth use to be basically the whole left side hurts .
I didn’t eat much hurts to much to chew even on the other side, all I want to do is curl in a ball and cry , got the crying part out of the way earlier can’t seem to get the curl up in a ball part taken care of both my boys are basically running around the room and jumping off of everything.
I fasted today and went to the masjed for isha prayer and the extra prayers they do after isha prayer.
The women were actually quite while the prayer was being said ( in usa they keep on yap yapping while the Imam is doing the prayers) It was a nice change to be able to hear not that I actually understood much .
It saddens me that I can barely speak and understand Arabic I do try and try feels like I am beating my head against a wall .
My gum has become infected been rinsing with salt water.
I fasted today and did all my prayers I felt like crap so when I wasn’t praying I was laying in bed trying to sleep it off.
I feel feverish but don’t have a fever another thing is every little noise bugs me it sounds like fingernails on a calk board .
I don’t feel like I fit in here, I am the odd ball out , no one really understands me or how I feel .
Insha-Allah tomorrow will be better.
I didn’t do well today I was in so much discomfort due to my broken tooth and my baby boy he’s fussy and teething spent all day keeping him calm and also dealing with princess and monkey ( my other two young children ).
I did do all my prayers and a few extra prayers after iftar went to the dentist and had a top left side tooth near the front yanked out it broke and even though I was numbed up it feels like someone stomped on the whole left side of my face . Once back at the house I feed baby boy took pain medications and am just waiting for the pain medications to kick in ,Insha-Allah I feel better tomorrow.
Yeah I know some people long to stay home and keep house other are wrapped up in their careers, then there are those who don’t have a choice in the matter and either have to work full time or part time to ear earn a living .
I have a choice and my choice is to stay home and raise the children …………………..
A bit of background so you will know were I am coming from I was born and raised in the usa my childhood was far from normal , lets just leave the childhood at that best leave the past in the past no need to open old wounds and hurts.
I reverted to Islam in 2004 and the next three years were a trying time in my life.
I married a Moroccan in 2006 and then set about life as normal worked crazy hours for the next few years in 2008 had surgery to untwist my tubes also was in a car accident 3 days after the surgery the car accident messed up my back , neck and hip have seen countless doctors and no one can find a way to relief the pain .
Had a daughter in 2009 and after 3 months on leave returned to work but decided that the work was to much on top of breastfeeding and caring for a infant , also have always struggled with depression all my life . When my daughter was 8 months old I got pregnant it just happened one day I was fine and busy with life then the next I was pregnant and barfing over the smell of everything the first part of the pregnancy was rough had a cyst and something called a subchorionic hematoma which is a scary way of saying a blood blister inside between the uterus and the placenta and I was on bed rest for a while which is really hard with a very mobile baby who is learning to walk . now I have a healthy baby boy he was born 2 days after my birthday , my daughter and son are 17 months apart and for the first 6 months of my son’s life his sister disliked him and would be mean to him now she has finally accepted him and plays with him but her idea of play isn’t always nice she loves to play rough and tumble .
I will be posting about my struggles on becoming a housewife and stay at home mom