Ramadan 2017 

As Salam Alikum Readers

Ramadan has began and I feel alone and lonely , haven’t been having a easy time and I have been dealing with health issues my iron storage levels or ferritin levels as the doctors call it is very low and I was told by two different doctors not to fast.

I have also been struggling with my mood disorder and feeling alone even though I am constantly surrounded by people , I work five days a week and am around people but don’t really hang out with or interact with anyone I am polite and make small talk but I don’t really know anyone if that makes sense.

I haven’t been feeling myself I have been dealing with sleep issues I have a hard time falling and staying asleep it doesn’t help that my husband has restless leg syndrome and kicks at night, I’ve tried putting pillows between us but all that did was cause a fight over the pillows ugh…..

I feel discouraged and disconnected from everything I am having trouble with my prayers and most of the time during prayers and right before bedtime I find myself crying.

Ugh Mood update 

As Salam Alikum Readers

Just a quick note about my mood, I haven’t been doing very well in the last few days there have been more tears and I really care to admit. Some of the things that bring me to tears are absolutely silly , today I broke down into tears over dishes maybe it is because it is that time of month a.k.a. Aunt Flo is here and I have had horrible cramps the weather isn’t helping it’s cold and rainy I don’t really have any friends and I feel alone I miss my monkeys aka  children it is hard to be so far from them. In sha Allah tomorrow is a better day

Daily Routines

Everyone has daily routines whether they realize it or not.

When one is dealing with a depression episode or a manic episode it can be helpful to ground oneself to the present and not get lost in the cycle of a depression or manic attack .

 Yes I am calling episodes of manic or depressive symptoms an attack  because that is what it’s like, being attacked by unwanted symptoms and dealing with the issues that are the result of a attack, the best way to explain it to a non mentally ill person is to compare it to catching a cold or flu at the most inconvenient time and then having to deal with the symptoms and fallout of the after affects well that’s what it’s like to have bipolar.

Daily routines can be comforting and calming for small children as well as for people whom suffer from mental illness, it can help them pull through when they know what to expect and what is expected of them .

It gives us a way to move through the fog of all the negative emotions and painful feelings and sometimes it even gives us hope and a bright in spot  our gloomy  time, well most of the time it works sometimes nothing seems to help and we just have to manage as best as we can until the attack subsides then we just pick up the pieces and try to move one with our lives.

 There will be some days when you will feel like you’re on autopilot and detached from whats going on around you on those days be kind to your self its ok not to feel and to do things automatically,sometimes it is all you can mange to do because if you allow yourself to feel you will drown in all the unpleasant pain and you just can’t go there at that moment this is ok too be kind to yourself

Routines can help center and keep oneself from going off in a manic attack, 

My most basic routine is just getting through the day on really hard days it’s getting up and dressed then eating breakfast and doing basic mindless household chores .

I have been known to become manic and crazily clean everything in sight and reorganized the whole house the issue with this is once I come down from the manic attack I will not remember where I put anything and it’s super frustrating and self defeating then I usually sink into a dark depression.

I wouldn’t ever wish depression or bipolar moods on anyone it is the most horrible feeling and suffering is the worst no one really understands how or why some people have it and other don’t it’s just one of those mysterious things that occurs.

No More

I cry a tear
I wake a new, so lost in light
following the rainbow over the hills
are hearts are never still
fly with me I shine so bright
smile and laugh with me showing all your love,
our hearts are free dancing in skies above water drops
down upon my face, tears frozen in despair
dancing with memories of old dreams
I scream another night within my soul
hidden from all eyes , is a silent shame I have carried for you
never realizing it’s your burden !
You threshed  upon me at such a young age telling me it was my shame well no more
I refuse to share your secrets its upon you to bear and answer for what you did ,
I have forgiven you but I haven’t forgotten !sad

Don’t feel inspired  

As Salam Alikum readers 

I haven’t written in quite a while and for that I’m sorry I haven’t felt inspired to write , to be honest I have been having a very hard time with my moods , as your all know I suffer from bipolar nos that doesn’t respond to medications and in 2014 I had to wean of of the medications that helped for a long while because it damaged my liver .

Since then I have been trying to mange my moods naturally and it is basically trial and error some things work and other things do not work and it’s up to me to try and figure it out , I have found some things that work , I try and avoid watching the news as it causes my moods to plummet , prayers and reading Quran help as does crocheting , washing dishes and clothes some days just the simple act of making and drinking tea helps .

I will in sha Allah try and post again soon , I guess I could make a goal to post once a week , I could post a how to make a bath scrubby pattern or maybe a recipe , we’ll have to see 

Until next time take care 

 

Depressed Ranting of a overly tired mind

Everyday is a struggle but some how I get through it. Alhamdulilah if it wasn’t for the Merciful that Allah bestowed upon me, my reading, my deen, I would be back in the darkness of my thoughts. Today I am a little bit depressed, maybe it’s hormonal, maybe it’s the awkward silence that my husband and I are experiencing , He talks to everyone but me. I am in the mind-fog of depression. The depressed mind doesn’t always recognize things as they are. Everything feels like it is a huge chore I am crabby and irritated, easily annoyed and short tempered in I will yell at the drop of a hat , why must I always deal with depression it is like being lost in a thick fog it makes everything distorted and it is hard to find your way out of the fog.

I have been beyond blue for a long time it is a daily struggle living with depression , my doctors say bipolar NOS but I rarely swing into mania mostly it is depression with periods that are hypo-manic so basically I get into moods were I plan stuff like sewing projects and start them yet never finish them or my favorite I clean things weird things I am sure no one else cares if are ever cleaned, another thing is I am having a lot of trouble sleeping it doesn’t help that in the neighborhood there are several dogs that bark at random  and never seem to shut up then there are the babies who wake and fuss then on top of that I have to pee like every five minutes and there is only one bathroom upstairs . I just feel defeated when fighting depression so far nothing has worked or even seemed to help it is like I am walking around wrapped in a thick gray fog that no one else can see but me .

Having depression is like having a invisible wound that just will not heal , to explain it so a non depressed mind will understand the closest I can come is to use a stubbed toe as a example you stub you toe it hurts and is bloody you take care of said toe and it is almost healed when again it gets hurts and the cycle just keeps repeating over and over that is how depression is there is always going to be a cycle of feeling blue and lower than dirt to depressed to even brush your teeth , hair or take care of yourself some people get stuck in that and never get out others learn how to mange somewhat normal looking lives while hiding how they truly feel . I do not know why some people are given depression , bipolar and other invisible illnesses to deal with , but  Allah never gives a person more than he or she can bear .allah does notdon't be sad

 

Words of Encouragement To Sister who suffers from depression

Dear sister,May Allah make this easy upon you and  your family! Allahummah Ameen!!! I will offer dua for you and I clearly understand the feeling of depression,darkness and sadness it’s not easy at all. The struggle gets real trying to hide it from your family and children,just remember that Allah will never place anything upon you that you can’t bare. And sadness is not from Allah so hold on tight to his rope . Allah tests Us this is all part of his plan just offer prayer  and remain patience , reach out to friends for support and know you are loved and not alone everyone has struggles of some sort, try and have a good day sister, love your sister in Islam1622001_810512085630770_1327555773_n