No More

I cry a tear
I wake a new, so lost in light
following the rainbow over the hills
are hearts are never still
fly with me I shine so bright
smile and laugh with me showing all your love,
our hearts are free dancing in skies above water drops
down upon my face, tears frozen in despair
dancing with memories of old dreams
I scream another night within my soul
hidden from all eyes , is a silent shame I have carried for you
never realizing it’s your burden !
You threshed  upon me at such a young age telling me it was my shame well no more
I refuse to share your secrets its upon you to bear and answer for what you did ,
I have forgiven you but I haven’t forgotten !sad

Annoying mood

Everything seems to annoy me lately , not sure if it is just due to it being that time of month or what , Yesterday was especially trying because all I wanted to do was curl up into a tight ball and cry yes that is how I felt having cramps from hell it feels like I got drop kicked in the stomach by a horse , I did the natural remedies tried drinking the moon cycle tea and gentle stretching/ massaging my stomach area but nothing helped . It didn’t help that I craved good chocolate and there was none to be found anywhere.

Children were all fussy whiny and when mommy doesn’t feel good that is when they find the need and want to use mommy as a tree, or if there a boy they decide hey lets use mommy’s stomach to practice head banging , then the baby decides hey lets be super fussy and want mommy to hold me lets also nurse and use feet to try and launch off mommy stomach looks like a good point to apply feet while we’re at it  lets use the other nipple as a play thing and twist /pull pinch it and see what color mommy’s face turns and how loud she yells. Then my daughter decides lets see how loud I can scream after I have been told to be quite time to break out the mega deafening pitch that grates on everyone’s nerves,  and oh lets throw a fit because we want chocolate cake and if we scream it will just make it taste so much better well needless to say no one got cake and everyone got a tension head ache from said screaming ……..

Head aches are worse

I haven’t written in a while , the reason is I haven’t been feeling all that good .

10544788_1502351816668871_311066900616735065_n
I get head aches and once one hits all I want to do is curl up and not move .
I have had head aches off and on for years but as of recent they seem to have gotten to be a daily occurrence , Yes you read right Daily !
They start out by creeping in the pain usually sits between the eyes and sometimes it spreads to wrap around my head and runs down my neck and shoulders.

I am not even sure what type of headaches I am getting and neither are the doctors some say tension, clusters , sinus migraine each doctor has a different option as to what kind it is and all I want is to have them not come . 
Pain medications well the ones that I can take don’t seem to help or even touch the pain .

Having daily pain and raising young children is no picnic some days the noise alone makes the pain go from manageable to wanting to remove my head as it feels like it will explode !

All I can do is manage to the best of my abilities and trust in Allah , I have seen doctors about the head aches but they can’t seem to find a cause or reason , Have had cat scans and MRI’s done tried different medications some didn’t do anything others had bad side effects or I was allergic to them , have tried massage , chiropractic and other alternative health care as well as Herbal remedies haven’t seemed to have much success.  So far none of these remedies  seem to help and to be honest it costs a lot .allah does not

 

Ramadan day 8

Made it through another ramadan fast and going to the masjed for isha prayers , there was a problem with the speakers on the women’s side so it was hard to hear and follow along .

Pretty sure my gum infection is getting worse I now have pain running down my neck and up from were said tooth use to be basically the whole left side hurts .

I didn’t eat much hurts to much to chew even on the other side, all I want to do is curl in a ball and cry , got the crying part out of the way earlier can’t seem to get the curl up in a ball part taken care of both my boys are basically running around the room and jumping off of everything.

Ramadan day 7

I fasted today and went to the masjed for isha prayer and the extra prayers they do after isha prayer.

The women were actually quite while the prayer was being said ( in usa they keep on yap yapping while the Imam is doing the prayers) It was a nice change to be able to hear not that I actually understood much .

It saddens me that I can barely speak and understand Arabic I do try and try feels like I am beating my head against a wall .

My gum has become infected been rinsing with salt water.

Ramadan day 6

I fasted today and did all my prayers I felt like crap so when I wasn’t praying I was laying in bed trying to sleep it off.

I feel feverish but don’t have a fever another thing is every little noise bugs me it sounds like fingernails on a calk board .

I don’t feel like I fit in here, I am the odd ball out , no one really understands me or how I feel .

Insha-Allah tomorrow will be better.

Ramadan day 4

I didn’t do well today I was in so much discomfort due to my broken tooth and my baby boy he’s fussy and teething spent all day keeping him calm and also dealing with princess and monkey ( my other two young children ).

I did do all my prayers and a few extra prayers after iftar went to the dentist and had a top left side tooth near the front yanked out it broke and even though I was numbed up it feels like someone stomped on the whole left side of my face . Once back at the house I feed baby boy took pain medications and am just waiting for the pain medications to kick in ,Insha-Allah I feel better tomorrow.