Ramadan 2017 

As Salam Alikum Readers

Ramadan has began and I feel alone and lonely , haven’t been having a easy time and I have been dealing with health issues my iron storage levels or ferritin levels as the doctors call it is very low and I was told by two different doctors not to fast.

I have also been struggling with my mood disorder and feeling alone even though I am constantly surrounded by people , I work five days a week and am around people but don’t really hang out with or interact with anyone I am polite and make small talk but I don’t really know anyone if that makes sense.

I haven’t been feeling myself I have been dealing with sleep issues I have a hard time falling and staying asleep it doesn’t help that my husband has restless leg syndrome and kicks at night, I’ve tried putting pillows between us but all that did was cause a fight over the pillows ugh…..

I feel discouraged and disconnected from everything I am having trouble with my prayers and most of the time during prayers and right before bedtime I find myself crying.

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No More

I cry a tear
I wake a new, so lost in light
following the rainbow over the hills
are hearts are never still
fly with me I shine so bright
smile and laugh with me showing all your love,
our hearts are free dancing in skies above water drops
down upon my face, tears frozen in despair
dancing with memories of old dreams
I scream another night within my soul
hidden from all eyes , is a silent shame I have carried for you
never realizing it’s your burden !
You threshed  upon me at such a young age telling me it was my shame well no more
I refuse to share your secrets its upon you to bear and answer for what you did ,
I have forgiven you but I haven’t forgotten !sad

Depressed Ranting of a overly tired mind

Everyday is a struggle but some how I get through it. Alhamdulilah if it wasn’t for the Merciful that Allah bestowed upon me, my reading, my deen, I would be back in the darkness of my thoughts. Today I am a little bit depressed, maybe it’s hormonal, maybe it’s the awkward silence that my husband and I are experiencing , He talks to everyone but me. I am in the mind-fog of depression. The depressed mind doesn’t always recognize things as they are. Everything feels like it is a huge chore I am crabby and irritated, easily annoyed and short tempered in I will yell at the drop of a hat , why must I always deal with depression it is like being lost in a thick fog it makes everything distorted and it is hard to find your way out of the fog.

I have been beyond blue for a long time it is a daily struggle living with depression , my doctors say bipolar NOS but I rarely swing into mania mostly it is depression with periods that are hypo-manic so basically I get into moods were I plan stuff like sewing projects and start them yet never finish them or my favorite I clean things weird things I am sure no one else cares if are ever cleaned, another thing is I am having a lot of trouble sleeping it doesn’t help that in the neighborhood there are several dogs that bark at random  and never seem to shut up then there are the babies who wake and fuss then on top of that I have to pee like every five minutes and there is only one bathroom upstairs . I just feel defeated when fighting depression so far nothing has worked or even seemed to help it is like I am walking around wrapped in a thick gray fog that no one else can see but me .

Having depression is like having a invisible wound that just will not heal , to explain it so a non depressed mind will understand the closest I can come is to use a stubbed toe as a example you stub you toe it hurts and is bloody you take care of said toe and it is almost healed when again it gets hurts and the cycle just keeps repeating over and over that is how depression is there is always going to be a cycle of feeling blue and lower than dirt to depressed to even brush your teeth , hair or take care of yourself some people get stuck in that and never get out others learn how to mange somewhat normal looking lives while hiding how they truly feel . I do not know why some people are given depression , bipolar and other invisible illnesses to deal with , but  Allah never gives a person more than he or she can bear .allah does notdon't be sad

 

Words of Encouragement To Sister who suffers from depression

Dear sister,May Allah make this easy upon you and  your family! Allahummah Ameen!!! I will offer dua for you and I clearly understand the feeling of depression,darkness and sadness it’s not easy at all. The struggle gets real trying to hide it from your family and children,just remember that Allah will never place anything upon you that you can’t bare. And sadness is not from Allah so hold on tight to his rope . Allah tests Us this is all part of his plan just offer prayer  and remain patience , reach out to friends for support and know you are loved and not alone everyone has struggles of some sort, try and have a good day sister, love your sister in Islam1622001_810512085630770_1327555773_n

Ramadan day 8

Made it through another ramadan fast and going to the masjed for isha prayers , there was a problem with the speakers on the women’s side so it was hard to hear and follow along .

Pretty sure my gum infection is getting worse I now have pain running down my neck and up from were said tooth use to be basically the whole left side hurts .

I didn’t eat much hurts to much to chew even on the other side, all I want to do is curl in a ball and cry , got the crying part out of the way earlier can’t seem to get the curl up in a ball part taken care of both my boys are basically running around the room and jumping off of everything.

Ramadan day 7

I fasted today and went to the masjed for isha prayer and the extra prayers they do after isha prayer.

The women were actually quite while the prayer was being said ( in usa they keep on yap yapping while the Imam is doing the prayers) It was a nice change to be able to hear not that I actually understood much .

It saddens me that I can barely speak and understand Arabic I do try and try feels like I am beating my head against a wall .

My gum has become infected been rinsing with salt water.

Ramadan day 6

I fasted today and did all my prayers I felt like crap so when I wasn’t praying I was laying in bed trying to sleep it off.

I feel feverish but don’t have a fever another thing is every little noise bugs me it sounds like fingernails on a calk board .

I don’t feel like I fit in here, I am the odd ball out , no one really understands me or how I feel .

Insha-Allah tomorrow will be better.