Ramadan 2017 

As Salam Alikum Readers

Ramadan has began and I feel alone and lonely , haven’t been having a easy time and I have been dealing with health issues my iron storage levels or ferritin levels as the doctors call it is very low and I was told by two different doctors not to fast.

I have also been struggling with my mood disorder and feeling alone even though I am constantly surrounded by people , I work five days a week and am around people but don’t really hang out with or interact with anyone I am polite and make small talk but I don’t really know anyone if that makes sense.

I haven’t been feeling myself I have been dealing with sleep issues I have a hard time falling and staying asleep it doesn’t help that my husband has restless leg syndrome and kicks at night, I’ve tried putting pillows between us but all that did was cause a fight over the pillows ugh…..

I feel discouraged and disconnected from everything I am having trouble with my prayers and most of the time during prayers and right before bedtime I find myself crying.

No More

I cry a tear
I wake a new, so lost in light
following the rainbow over the hills
are hearts are never still
fly with me I shine so bright
smile and laugh with me showing all your love,
our hearts are free dancing in skies above water drops
down upon my face, tears frozen in despair
dancing with memories of old dreams
I scream another night within my soul
hidden from all eyes , is a silent shame I have carried for you
never realizing it’s your burden !
You threshed  upon me at such a young age telling me it was my shame well no more
I refuse to share your secrets its upon you to bear and answer for what you did ,
I have forgiven you but I haven’t forgotten !sad

Depressed Ranting of a overly tired mind

Everyday is a struggle but some how I get through it. Alhamdulilah if it wasn’t for the Merciful that Allah bestowed upon me, my reading, my deen, I would be back in the darkness of my thoughts. Today I am a little bit depressed, maybe it’s hormonal, maybe it’s the awkward silence that my husband and I are experiencing , He talks to everyone but me. I am in the mind-fog of depression. The depressed mind doesn’t always recognize things as they are. Everything feels like it is a huge chore I am crabby and irritated, easily annoyed and short tempered in I will yell at the drop of a hat , why must I always deal with depression it is like being lost in a thick fog it makes everything distorted and it is hard to find your way out of the fog.

I have been beyond blue for a long time it is a daily struggle living with depression , my doctors say bipolar NOS but I rarely swing into mania mostly it is depression with periods that are hypo-manic so basically I get into moods were I plan stuff like sewing projects and start them yet never finish them or my favorite I clean things weird things I am sure no one else cares if are ever cleaned, another thing is I am having a lot of trouble sleeping it doesn’t help that in the neighborhood there are several dogs that bark at random  and never seem to shut up then there are the babies who wake and fuss then on top of that I have to pee like every five minutes and there is only one bathroom upstairs . I just feel defeated when fighting depression so far nothing has worked or even seemed to help it is like I am walking around wrapped in a thick gray fog that no one else can see but me .

Having depression is like having a invisible wound that just will not heal , to explain it so a non depressed mind will understand the closest I can come is to use a stubbed toe as a example you stub you toe it hurts and is bloody you take care of said toe and it is almost healed when again it gets hurts and the cycle just keeps repeating over and over that is how depression is there is always going to be a cycle of feeling blue and lower than dirt to depressed to even brush your teeth , hair or take care of yourself some people get stuck in that and never get out others learn how to mange somewhat normal looking lives while hiding how they truly feel . I do not know why some people are given depression , bipolar and other invisible illnesses to deal with , but  Allah never gives a person more than he or she can bear .allah does notdon't be sad

 

Words of Encouragement To Sister who suffers from depression

Dear sister,May Allah make this easy upon you and  your family! Allahummah Ameen!!! I will offer dua for you and I clearly understand the feeling of depression,darkness and sadness it’s not easy at all. The struggle gets real trying to hide it from your family and children,just remember that Allah will never place anything upon you that you can’t bare. And sadness is not from Allah so hold on tight to his rope . Allah tests Us this is all part of his plan just offer prayer  and remain patience , reach out to friends for support and know you are loved and not alone everyone has struggles of some sort, try and have a good day sister, love your sister in Islam1622001_810512085630770_1327555773_n

Ramadan day 8

Made it through another ramadan fast and going to the masjed for isha prayers , there was a problem with the speakers on the women’s side so it was hard to hear and follow along .

Pretty sure my gum infection is getting worse I now have pain running down my neck and up from were said tooth use to be basically the whole left side hurts .

I didn’t eat much hurts to much to chew even on the other side, all I want to do is curl in a ball and cry , got the crying part out of the way earlier can’t seem to get the curl up in a ball part taken care of both my boys are basically running around the room and jumping off of everything.

Ramadan day 7

I fasted today and went to the masjed for isha prayer and the extra prayers they do after isha prayer.

The women were actually quite while the prayer was being said ( in usa they keep on yap yapping while the Imam is doing the prayers) It was a nice change to be able to hear not that I actually understood much .

It saddens me that I can barely speak and understand Arabic I do try and try feels like I am beating my head against a wall .

My gum has become infected been rinsing with salt water.

Ramadan day 6

I fasted today and did all my prayers I felt like crap so when I wasn’t praying I was laying in bed trying to sleep it off.

I feel feverish but don’t have a fever another thing is every little noise bugs me it sounds like fingernails on a calk board .

I don’t feel like I fit in here, I am the odd ball out , no one really understands me or how I feel .

Insha-Allah tomorrow will be better.

Ups and downs of life

As Salam Alikum all I haven’t been a very good blogger as of late been having some health problems as well as relationship problems will go in depth a bit later ……………………………………..

To start with my women’s cycle has went all wacky on me it use to come every 28 to 30 days and now it is coming every 21 to 22 days not sure why the change in my cycle but it has been hard on me to adjust, saw a doctor and she said everything is ok some women’s cycles change as they get older.

Then there has been my head ache that won’t go away I have had a head scan and nothing is wrong with my brain not sure why I get head aches maybe it is caused by my teeth been having tooth aches and pain went to dental appointment but it didn’t help the pain now am waiting to see the dentist .

I have had issues with wannabe friends trying to control me and when I stood up and told them to back off they started talking smack behind my back so I had to cut them completely out of my life.

Raising two small children is hard and trying at times and having one child who has a sensory disorder makes it 3 times as hard ……………………………

I recently lost 3 members of my family they all passed away within a week of each other 2 from being shoot and one from just being old and it was his time to go …………………………………………….

I have been struggling with making my prayers on time not sure how to fix the problem sometimes I can do the prayers but other times it is so hard and then I feel useless and stupid as I only know 1 prayer in arabic by heart , it took me like 3 years to learn that prayer .

I don’t really have a good friend that I can talk to about how I feel all my emotions are scrambled up sometimes I feel fine and other times the only way I can make it through the day is to stuff my feelings down and eat chocolate yeah probably not a good idea I just feel so disconnected from my feelings almost like I’m numb to feeling, not sure when this started and I don’t know how to fix it

Forgotten anniversary

Yesterday was our Fifth wedding anniversary and guess what as you know it he forgot again well technical the first 3 it doesn’t count because he was out of the state and he did remember to bring back presents but this year he just plain old forgot and I made sure he knew it was coming up I marked it on the calendar and gave him several hints last week I flat out asked him if he had plans for the 1st of December and he said no why so I said it’s been 5 years he just looked at me like he didn’t know what I was talking about …………………….
My day yesterday was blah to begin with I still have the never ending head ache it just won’t go away , nothing I have tried has worked so I went to the doctor yeah I know it is no fun going to the doctor and to make matters worse I had to take Bint and Ibn to the doctors office I had to walk from home to the office it’s a good 30 minute walk the weather was cold but no so cold it was unmanageable, I bungled up the children nice and warm and off we went got to the office and checked in then had to wait and wait some more then got called back to the room for more waiting finally got to see the doctor she thinks it is related to my muscles and is a combination  of a   tension headache and a migraine and because I have so many allergies to medications and weird reactions she doesn’t want to prescribe medication so we are going with physical therapy to see if that will help , while at the doctors office they offered me a flu shot so I got one as did  Bint and Ibn they fussed only a tiny bit then we came back had lunch and I went to the library got books then let the children play in the park for a good 2 1/2 hours because now it is fairly nice outside .
Came home and cleaned the house only to have Bint mess it up in 3 seconds flat  so I re-cleaned the house and   did afternoon prayers the ones I missed while at the doctors office . Then I pulled out some chicken defrosted it in the microwave  , peeled and chopped garlic and onion then sauteed them in a pan until done boiled water to cook noodles then I took some tomato pasta sauce mixed with the chicken then sprinkled Parmesan cheese then baked it in the oven until it was all hot and melty then I waited for hubby to come home but he didn’t come home for a long time Bint got fussy so I feed her an Ibn then I put Ibn to sleep as he was tired , Bint watched some tv while I cleaned up the kitchen and washed the dishes .
Finally hubby comes home he’s in a rotten mood   and starts yelling about the house as far as he’s concerned the house is never clean or neat enough I picked up Bint’s mess feed him dinner then made hot chocolate milk and served pie for desert  then I put the children to bed Bint woke up Ibn now he’s fussy from being awakened .
I gave hubby a very sweet anniversary card with a piece of dark chocolate and he just ignored me he went to bed how is that for a happy anniversary I feel invisible and ignored after hubby was asleep I laid in bed and cried   , he never remembers special days  unless it is with the children he remembers Bint’s birthdays and makes a big deal but he never remembers my birthday or any other special day .
He didn’t even bother to ask how the doctor’s visit went !
I guess I am invisible!