Living in a strange country

I am lonely very lonely here I feel like I am always left out of the conversation last to know, 

Even when I am included in the conversation I feel like I am missing words ,

I try and learn but it is very hard.
I feel like my brain is wired differently to not retain languages I feel deficit in languages, 

I  now understand how people with autism feel being misunderstood and alone in the world and that sometimes one can hear the information but nor process or retain it and are then unable to respond to it.

I feel alone even when surrounded by people the noises get to me then I go hide in my room , noise sensory issues are not fun to deal with hiding might to some seem childish but when your system is overwhelmed you just can’t deal with it and will shut down.

My moods have been haywire and I can’t seem to get them under control nothing I have tried seems to help, it is very frustrating and lonely no one wants to be around me when I’m in one of my moods what they don’t understand is I don’t have control of my brain it runs away and haywire and then I feel bad guilty and upset about my moods it doesn’t help that there is language differences and cultural differences as well as cultural issues.

I am alone to suffer that’s all I do is suffer it feels pointless to try and fight something I have never had control over there is no hope the mood swings seem to be getting worse and more frequent as well as more frightening sometimes I wonder if it would be better to just leave and go away from everyone that I know so they don’t have to deal with my issues and mood swing

Low Imaan? Don’t Get Discouraged

Low Imaan? Don’t Get Discouraged

Don’t get discouraged if your imaan (your faith) is low sometimes. You are not a lost case. Imaan is organic and can be cultivated. Just as a tree needs sunshine, water and good soil; imaan needs salat (prayer), dua’ (asking Allah), sawm (fasting), dhikr (remembrance of Allah), sadaqah (charity), Quran recitation, contemplation of Allah’s signs and blessings, and the company of good people and mu’mineen.

Authentic Islamic knowledge is also important. The more you increase your knowledge, the more you understand the depth of Laa ilaha il-Allah. The more you study, the more you are awed by the Majesty of Allah; the more you appreciate the beauty of Islam and its completeness, the more your mind feels certain, and your heart feels assured, and your soul feels peace. All of this leads to taqwa (Allah-consciousness) and increased imaan.

You don’t have to change your life in one day, or adopt all these behaviors at once. Try to implement them in your life one at a time.

When the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) sent Mu’adh ibn Jabal to the people of Yemen to teach them about Islam, he said, “O Muadh! You are going to a community who are of the People of the Book. So, first invite them to bear witness that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah. If they accept this, then inform them that Allah makes five prayers in a day and night obligatory for them. If they accept this, then inform them that Allah makes charity (i.e., Zakat) obligatory for them. (It is) to be taken from their rich and given to their poor.” [Bukhari]

You can start the same way. Keep Laa ilaha il-Allah on your tongue all the time, and start doing your salat. You will feel the difference in your imaan right away, as it takes root and grows.

Of course avoiding sins and making tawbah (repentance) for past sins is part of the formula too, but don’t despair if you are still committing sins. Start doing the behaviors of imaan..

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I am struggling

as salam alikum readers

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I have been struggling with my moods , it is hard and it effects everyone around me .  Being ill with bipolar that doesn’t respond to medication is very hard , it is like being thrown on a roller coaster without being ask before hand.

It has been causing issues in all areas of my life and right now I just feel blah if that’s even a feeling. The last few days have been very hard lots of tears and yelling for this I apologize . I have written a lot of poems and random stuff but I just don’t really feel like sharing it right now.

I try to keep myself busy with chores , washing dishes, washing clothes , folding clothes. Organizing cupboards, sorting shoes , trying to write is just hard my thoughts seem all jumbled up and confused like word salad .

I haven’t really been sleeping , I have had sleep issues for a long time , I have to force myself to get up and do things because sitting around just makes me feel worse.

I started a simple routine Farj prayer breakfast migraine medication wash dishes and do other chores chase children, Dhurh prayer eat lunch wash dishes rest till Ars prayer then try and read  that doesn’t usually get anywhere as I read the same line over and over. Make tea hang out and play with children help them with homework. Marghib prayer then I try and write in my journal sometimes all I write is I don’t feel like writing , we have dinner then I pray Isha prayer then try and call my husband we chat on skype , then  everyone gets ready for bed , I try and sleep watch a bit of tv then toss and turn then repeat the next day.ho

 

No More

I cry a tear
I wake a new, so lost in light
following the rainbow over the hills
are hearts are never still
fly with me I shine so bright
smile and laugh with me showing all your love,
our hearts are free dancing in skies above water drops
down upon my face, tears frozen in despair
dancing with memories of old dreams
I scream another night within my soul
hidden from all eyes , is a silent shame I have carried for you
never realizing it’s your burden !
You threshed  upon me at such a young age telling me it was my shame well no more
I refuse to share your secrets its upon you to bear and answer for what you did ,
I have forgiven you but I haven’t forgotten !sad

Don’t feel inspired  

As Salam Alikum readers 

I haven’t written in quite a while and for that I’m sorry I haven’t felt inspired to write , to be honest I have been having a very hard time with my moods , as your all know I suffer from bipolar nos that doesn’t respond to medications and in 2014 I had to wean of of the medications that helped for a long while because it damaged my liver .

Since then I have been trying to mange my moods naturally and it is basically trial and error some things work and other things do not work and it’s up to me to try and figure it out , I have found some things that work , I try and avoid watching the news as it causes my moods to plummet , prayers and reading Quran help as does crocheting , washing dishes and clothes some days just the simple act of making and drinking tea helps .

I will in sha Allah try and post again soon , I guess I could make a goal to post once a week , I could post a how to make a bath scrubby pattern or maybe a recipe , we’ll have to see 

Until next time take care 

 

Depressed Ranting of a overly tired mind

Everyday is a struggle but some how I get through it. Alhamdulilah if it wasn’t for the Merciful that Allah bestowed upon me, my reading, my deen, I would be back in the darkness of my thoughts. Today I am a little bit depressed, maybe it’s hormonal, maybe it’s the awkward silence that my husband and I are experiencing , He talks to everyone but me. I am in the mind-fog of depression. The depressed mind doesn’t always recognize things as they are. Everything feels like it is a huge chore I am crabby and irritated, easily annoyed and short tempered in I will yell at the drop of a hat , why must I always deal with depression it is like being lost in a thick fog it makes everything distorted and it is hard to find your way out of the fog.

I have been beyond blue for a long time it is a daily struggle living with depression , my doctors say bipolar NOS but I rarely swing into mania mostly it is depression with periods that are hypo-manic so basically I get into moods were I plan stuff like sewing projects and start them yet never finish them or my favorite I clean things weird things I am sure no one else cares if are ever cleaned, another thing is I am having a lot of trouble sleeping it doesn’t help that in the neighborhood there are several dogs that bark at random  and never seem to shut up then there are the babies who wake and fuss then on top of that I have to pee like every five minutes and there is only one bathroom upstairs . I just feel defeated when fighting depression so far nothing has worked or even seemed to help it is like I am walking around wrapped in a thick gray fog that no one else can see but me .

Having depression is like having a invisible wound that just will not heal , to explain it so a non depressed mind will understand the closest I can come is to use a stubbed toe as a example you stub you toe it hurts and is bloody you take care of said toe and it is almost healed when again it gets hurts and the cycle just keeps repeating over and over that is how depression is there is always going to be a cycle of feeling blue and lower than dirt to depressed to even brush your teeth , hair or take care of yourself some people get stuck in that and never get out others learn how to mange somewhat normal looking lives while hiding how they truly feel . I do not know why some people are given depression , bipolar and other invisible illnesses to deal with , but  Allah never gives a person more than he or she can bear .allah does notdon't be sad

 

boredom and depression and repeat days

I haven’t been blogging and posting as much as I have wanted to , I have been struggling with depression and boredom . I feel like I am sleep walking through my days at times each day seems to be the same as the last wake up do Fajr prayer then go back and try to sleep because it’s the butt crack of dawn and no one is awake yet but I never really get back to sleep , everyone here gets up around 930/10am is normal breakfast time breakfast is always the same bread with cream cheese and jelly served with either tea or coffee then its chore time chores are usually the same make bed pick up room change and dress children / sweep and mop /wash dishes /wash clothes depending on the day of the week . Then comes Dhuhr Prayer  then it’s lunchtime around 230 to 3pm after Asr prayer then its nap time /quite time then around 7 to 730pm everyone gets up and sits around outside waiting for Maghrib prayer then Isha prayer and then  dinner is served around 930 to as late as midnight then it is time to get everyone ready for bed showering and changing into night-clothes and trying to deal with the loud noises of screaming over tired over sugared children. Some days it feels like the movie groundhog day were it just repeats over and over  .

This is how repeat feels just look at the photorepeat

Some good things have happened 

I am now doing prayers regularly 5 times a day which is good as in the past I have struggled with doing prayers 

Most of my diet is now fresh whole foods , still working on my cookie habit why do cookies taste so good?

Trying to find ways to combat the boredom and depression