Living in a strange country

I am lonely very lonely here I feel like I am always left out of the conversation last to know, 

Even when I am included in the conversation I feel like I am missing words ,

I try and learn but it is very hard.
I feel like my brain is wired differently to not retain languages I feel deficit in languages, 

I  now understand how people with autism feel being misunderstood and alone in the world and that sometimes one can hear the information but nor process or retain it and are then unable to respond to it.

I feel alone even when surrounded by people the noises get to me then I go hide in my room , noise sensory issues are not fun to deal with hiding might to some seem childish but when your system is overwhelmed you just can’t deal with it and will shut down.

My moods have been haywire and I can’t seem to get them under control nothing I have tried seems to help, it is very frustrating and lonely no one wants to be around me when I’m in one of my moods what they don’t understand is I don’t have control of my brain it runs away and haywire and then I feel bad guilty and upset about my moods it doesn’t help that there is language differences and cultural differences as well as cultural issues.

I am alone to suffer that’s all I do is suffer it feels pointless to try and fight something I have never had control over there is no hope the mood swings seem to be getting worse and more frequent as well as more frightening sometimes I wonder if it would be better to just leave and go away from everyone that I know so they don’t have to deal with my issues and mood swing

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Depressed Ranting of a overly tired mind

Everyday is a struggle but some how I get through it. Alhamdulilah if it wasn’t for the Merciful that Allah bestowed upon me, my reading, my deen, I would be back in the darkness of my thoughts. Today I am a little bit depressed, maybe it’s hormonal, maybe it’s the awkward silence that my husband and I are experiencing , He talks to everyone but me. I am in the mind-fog of depression. The depressed mind doesn’t always recognize things as they are. Everything feels like it is a huge chore I am crabby and irritated, easily annoyed and short tempered in I will yell at the drop of a hat , why must I always deal with depression it is like being lost in a thick fog it makes everything distorted and it is hard to find your way out of the fog.

I have been beyond blue for a long time it is a daily struggle living with depression , my doctors say bipolar NOS but I rarely swing into mania mostly it is depression with periods that are hypo-manic so basically I get into moods were I plan stuff like sewing projects and start them yet never finish them or my favorite I clean things weird things I am sure no one else cares if are ever cleaned, another thing is I am having a lot of trouble sleeping it doesn’t help that in the neighborhood there are several dogs that bark at random  and never seem to shut up then there are the babies who wake and fuss then on top of that I have to pee like every five minutes and there is only one bathroom upstairs . I just feel defeated when fighting depression so far nothing has worked or even seemed to help it is like I am walking around wrapped in a thick gray fog that no one else can see but me .

Having depression is like having a invisible wound that just will not heal , to explain it so a non depressed mind will understand the closest I can come is to use a stubbed toe as a example you stub you toe it hurts and is bloody you take care of said toe and it is almost healed when again it gets hurts and the cycle just keeps repeating over and over that is how depression is there is always going to be a cycle of feeling blue and lower than dirt to depressed to even brush your teeth , hair or take care of yourself some people get stuck in that and never get out others learn how to mange somewhat normal looking lives while hiding how they truly feel . I do not know why some people are given depression , bipolar and other invisible illnesses to deal with , but  Allah never gives a person more than he or she can bear .allah does notdon't be sad

 

Ramadan day 8

Made it through another ramadan fast and going to the masjed for isha prayers , there was a problem with the speakers on the women’s side so it was hard to hear and follow along .

Pretty sure my gum infection is getting worse I now have pain running down my neck and up from were said tooth use to be basically the whole left side hurts .

I didn’t eat much hurts to much to chew even on the other side, all I want to do is curl in a ball and cry , got the crying part out of the way earlier can’t seem to get the curl up in a ball part taken care of both my boys are basically running around the room and jumping off of everything.

Ramadan day 7

I fasted today and went to the masjed for isha prayer and the extra prayers they do after isha prayer.

The women were actually quite while the prayer was being said ( in usa they keep on yap yapping while the Imam is doing the prayers) It was a nice change to be able to hear not that I actually understood much .

It saddens me that I can barely speak and understand Arabic I do try and try feels like I am beating my head against a wall .

My gum has become infected been rinsing with salt water.

Ramadan day 6

I fasted today and did all my prayers I felt like crap so when I wasn’t praying I was laying in bed trying to sleep it off.

I feel feverish but don’t have a fever another thing is every little noise bugs me it sounds like fingernails on a calk board .

I don’t feel like I fit in here, I am the odd ball out , no one really understands me or how I feel .

Insha-Allah tomorrow will be better.

Ramadan Almost here , While in Morocco

as salam alikum

I haven’t written in a while been quite busy with life , life has been quite trying to be honest I have been struggling, I am trying to live and be happy in a foreign country , I have been here since January and it is still hard I barely speak the language to be honest my 4 1/2 year old and 3 1/2 year old speak and understand more Arabic than I do.

My struggles seem to get the best of me some days I suffer from bipolar depression which means my brain chemicals are all weird and off my brain seems to be for a lack of a better word broken , I feel sad and blah when I have no reason to , medications don’t seem to help some days are better than others but lately it seems the blah’s have taken over my life I struggle to feel anything but sad.

I have been dealing with teeth pain , have been to the dentist three times in three weeks and still the pain is here have tried to explain to my sister in law that the teeth need to be root canals or to be pulled , the dentist just seems happy to clean out teeth and repack with stuff then see me in a week to repeat , (this is when I miss American dentists at least in America I can talk to and make myself understood , I would have had my teeth fixed the 1st time in America if I was home ) Morocco is a bit backwards and way laid back everything is tomorrow , tomorrow and sometimes it just makes me want to scream .

I have been struggling with my Salat since the 9th of this month I have started keeping track of how many times I pray , Islam requires 5 times a day on the 9th, 10th 11th I made all 5 prayers from the 12th through the 20th I had my monthly period and when it is cycle time women do not make salat after my cycle I started keeping track again 21st through 27th I made all 5 prayers some days it seems easier than others .

 

Ramadan is almost here and to be honest I am nervous and anxious I want to succeed at fasting but I do not want to affect my milk supply so I will try not really sure how well or what to expect as I haven’t really ever fasted more than a few days here and there since I became muslim mainly due to my health , the last few  Ramadans I was either   pregnant , breastfeeding or pregnant and breastfeeding or just pregnant yes I have had three babies in a short time span 2009 baby 2010 pregnant 2011 baby 2013 baby 2014 breastfeeding said baby who will be 1 in middle of Ramadan .

I wonder how Ramadan will be celebrated in a muslim country , yes Morocco is a muslim country this should be exciting I am looking forward to it and am a bit nervous as well .

Ups and downs of life

As Salam Alikum all I haven’t been a very good blogger as of late been having some health problems as well as relationship problems will go in depth a bit later ……………………………………..

To start with my women’s cycle has went all wacky on me it use to come every 28 to 30 days and now it is coming every 21 to 22 days not sure why the change in my cycle but it has been hard on me to adjust, saw a doctor and she said everything is ok some women’s cycles change as they get older.

Then there has been my head ache that won’t go away I have had a head scan and nothing is wrong with my brain not sure why I get head aches maybe it is caused by my teeth been having tooth aches and pain went to dental appointment but it didn’t help the pain now am waiting to see the dentist .

I have had issues with wannabe friends trying to control me and when I stood up and told them to back off they started talking smack behind my back so I had to cut them completely out of my life.

Raising two small children is hard and trying at times and having one child who has a sensory disorder makes it 3 times as hard ……………………………

I recently lost 3 members of my family they all passed away within a week of each other 2 from being shoot and one from just being old and it was his time to go …………………………………………….

I have been struggling with making my prayers on time not sure how to fix the problem sometimes I can do the prayers but other times it is so hard and then I feel useless and stupid as I only know 1 prayer in arabic by heart , it took me like 3 years to learn that prayer .

I don’t really have a good friend that I can talk to about how I feel all my emotions are scrambled up sometimes I feel fine and other times the only way I can make it through the day is to stuff my feelings down and eat chocolate yeah probably not a good idea I just feel so disconnected from my feelings almost like I’m numb to feeling, not sure when this started and I don’t know how to fix it