Dear Allah , Help me Understand and Have Patience

Dear Allah,

Bismillah al-Rahman al-Rahim

I am writing this to get all the jumbled words and stuff floating around down on paper so to speak , inshaallah it helps clear and quite my mind.

I am struggling and  I feel alone I try and I try to fight this depression it seems never ending like everything is all painted in shades of greys ,blacks and muted dull colors .

I can’t sleep well some nights I don’t even sleep I just lay awake and the tears slide down my face and I don’t even know why I am crying .

I have head aches daily and back pain along with hip pain and neck pain home remedies don’t seem to help and so far the doctors haven’t helped much either 

I know that I have no reason to be depressed it is like my brain is broken and stuck in the depressed mode and I am not sure how to snap out of it , nothing I have tried seems to work , I am either allergic to the medication or it has unwanted side effects or cause other problems so I don’t take the medication .

I pray 5 times a day and some days I even struggle just to pray , I know you already know this and you know everything even stuff I do not know about. I struggle to read the Quran please help me be able to read it more and to understand it , and not get lost and fall off the straight path.

Will I always feel this way?

Will I always feel like I am struggling to do my prayers? When will it feel easier and not like a chore ? I love Islam and prayers it is just so hard some days , my mind endless seems to wonder off or I get lost mid prayer or forget how many rakats I have done some days are just so frustrating when will it not feel this way? When will I feel like a good muslimah?

I feel like I am isolated and alone even when I am surrounded by family and friends why do I feel like this? Will I always feel like this ? I feel rootless like a tumbleweed blowing in the wind like I am in one place the get blown to another place where is my home?

When will I understand enough Arabic and be able to speak it clearly and not feel self conscious when talking to people?

When will the colors come back ?

Is my outlook to always feel and look depressed? Is there any hope for not being depressed?Can you show me the way out of the depression?

Will I always cry and not even know the reason why I am crying ? Is the crying a good thing? does it help me , I am trying to understand and be patience ,I am trying to be happy I am thankful for healthy children and healthy family who help out .

Will sleep always be a struggle?

Allah Most merciful one I promise that I will never give up I will fight to do prayers and learn more will keep trying to learn Arabic and keep trying to read and understand all of the Quran! I will never stop  fighting the depressed feelings I will not give up this is my promise to you , I am your humble muslimah

 

Seven Qualities that Allah Loves..

1. TAWBAH (Repentance)
“For Allah loves those who turn to Him constantly (in repentance)” [Surah Al Baqarah 2:222] 2. TAHARAH (Purification)
“Allah loves those who keep themselves pure and clean.” [Surah Al Baqarah 2:222]

3. TAQWA (Piety)
“For Allah loves the righteous (the pious).” [Surah Al Tawbah 9:4]

4. IHSAN (Goodness & Perfection)
“For Allah loves the righteous (the pious).” [Surah Al Tawbah 9:4]

4. IHSAN (Goodness & Perfection)
“For Allah loves those who do good” [Surah Ali ‘Imran 3:134]

5 TAWAKKUL (Trust in Allah)
“For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him).” [Surah Ali ‘Imran 3:159]

6. ADL (Justice)
“For Allah loves those who judge in equity.” [Surah Al Ma’idah 5:42]
“For Allah loves those who are fair (and just).” [Surah Al Hujurat 49:9]

7. SABR (Patience)
“And Allah Loves those who are firm and steadfast (As-Sabirin (the patient)).” [Surah Ali ‘Imran 3:146]

..Seven Qualities that Allah does not Love..

1. ISRAAF (Extravagance)
“But waste not by excess: for Allah loves not the wasters (Al-Musrifun (those who waste by extravagance)).” [Surah Al An’am 6:141]

2. ISTIKBAAR (Pride)
“Verily He loves not the arrogant (proud).” [Surah Al Nahl 16:23]

3. MUKHTAL FAKHOOR (Arrogant boaster)
“For Allah loves not any arrogant boaster.” [Surah Luqman 31:18]

4. UDWAAN (Transgression)
“For Allah loves not transgressors.” [Surah Al Ma’idah 5:87]

5. ZULM (Evil, Wrongdoing)
“But Allah loves not those who do wrong (Zalimun (oppressors, polytheists and wrong doers)).” [Surah Ali ‘Imran 3:57]

6. KHIYAANAH (Treachery)
“For Allah loves not the treacherous.” [Surah Al Anfal 8:58]

7. MUFSIDEEN (Mischief-makers)
“And Allah loves not those who do mischief.” [Surah Al Ma’idah 5:64

Head aches are worse

I haven’t written in a while , the reason is I haven’t been feeling all that good .

I get head aches and once one hits all I want to do is curl up and not move .
I have had head aches off and on for years but as of recent they seem to have gotten to be a daily occurrence , Yes you read right Daily !
They start out by creeping in the pain usually sits between the eyes and sometimes it spreads to wrap around my head and runs down my neck and shoulders.

I am not even sure what type of headaches I am getting and neither are the doctors some say tension, clusters , sinus migraine each doctor has a different option as to what kind it is and all I want is to have them not come . 
Pain medications well the ones that I can take don’t seem to help or even touch the pain .

Having daily pain and raising young children is no picnic some days the noise alone makes the pain go from manageable to wanting to remove my head as it feels like it will explode !

All I can do is manage to the best of my abilities and trust in Allah , I have seen doctors about the head aches but they can’t seem to find a cause or reason , Have had cat scans and MRI’s done tried different medications some didn’t do anything others had bad side effects or I was allergic to them , have tried massage , chiropractic and other alternative health care as well as Herbal remedies haven’t seemed to have much success.  So far none of these remedies  seem to help and to be honest it costs a lot .